Being, not doing.

I'm definitely finding that in leaving YWAM, a lot of things that God has been trying to teach me for years are coming to the surface again. 

One of these is the whole idea of being, not doing. I'm very good at doing things. Give me a goal, and I'll work to get everything done perfectly. But I've found often, I can get so busy doing things for God, that get too busy to actually spend time with Him. Sure, I'll pray, but it's about figuring out what I need to do, or how to solve a particular problem. 

The whole idea of just sitting and being with God is a struggle for me. I need to know what I am achieving, what is the goal, and I need to be able to see the progress I am making.  But God keeps reminding me, that it's not about goals and getting things done. He wants my priority to be knowing Him, not doing stuff for Him.  

Now, I know this really should be a basic lesson. Yet, it's something I constantly struggle with. And especially in this season where I'm going to be taking a break from ministry, it's coming up again. Where do I find my identity, if I'm not doing ministry? How do I show God how good I am? How do I prove my value to everyone else? 

Now I have to keep going back to Him to find out what He says about me. I can't just rely on the sense of accomplishment, or knowing that I'm impacting other people's lives. I have plenty of time - so I can't use the excuse of being too busy to spend time with God, but I still need to take the time to just sit and listen for what He wants to say to me. 

 While this could be a challenging thing for me to work through, I'm glad that God is leading me into this time of focusing on Him, because in the long run it's going to be well worth it.

Not the Worst Answer...

I'm not going to make any grand promises of posting regularly - but I wanted to share some random thoughts that have been going around in my head the last few weeks - and what God's been saying about it.

Anyone who knows me well, know that I like to know what's going on. I like to have all the answers. I get a lot of identity and value from being the 'smart one' or the one who can answer all the questions. Ok, I'll admit, I can be a know-it-all.
I actually often feel like I've let someone down if I can't answer their question. I get so caught up wanting to know everything.

Since announcing that I was leaving YWAM, one of the questions I've been asked most often is 'what's next'? A valid question, but one I've struggled to answer. Even now when I have some ideas in the short term - the only way I can really honestly answer the question is - 'I don't know.'

Every time someone asks, I want to be able to respond with some grand plan mapping out the next 5 years of exactly what I'll be doing, where an when. And then of course explain why this is a perfect plan.

But then God has been challenging me - is 'I don't know' really the worst answer I can give? God never asked or expected me to have all the answers. And when I honestly think about it - I know the people around me don't either. I don't need to have everything mapped out.

When I say 'I don't know' - I need to trust that God does.

When I say 'I don't know' - I need to swallow my pride, and admit that I'm actually not perfect.

When I say 'I don't know' - I have to trust that the people around me will be patient as I work things out.

At the end of the day, maybe I should say 'I don't know' more often, because the important thing is I follow a God who does, and He has promised that He knows the plans He has for me, and they are good :)